Atonement

I'm .................
selfish
selfish...selfish....and selfish
they all say

ya.... of course, at times
i know
when things are all running for their betterment
and simply for my worse
am i supposed to keep my mouth shut?
as if nothing is happening
to me i have done enough of that
even though none is mentioned, appreciated or praised
still they want me to and others are all benefitted people
except for me

if when ever i utter a word or a sigh against
i'm selfish, high tempered and foolish


a dam
bears all weight, rippling of water and changing of currents that run beneath
there will be a time the dam cannot bear any more
firstly it will give jerks,
when it's totally unbearable
the dam will blast in to pieces, tiny little pieces
letting the water rush in the way it wanted

So no matter what happens
if u all want me to bear and be quiet
i'll be that what you'll will be pleased with

at night
i'll cry out my suppressed feelings
unknown to the world
and pretend that i'm always happy
in the world of drama

BUT
do me one favor????
the only thing i'm asking
the jerks are out of my control
(no matter how hard i try)
bear it will you?

i'm sure i wont be a dam at the end

a battle

It all began just two years back

the unpleasant and regretting past
i recall now sharing with
i felt a princess having won her tiara
when i walked in with parents
and ... a so called friend

i didn't knew they are so cruel
'coz to me it felt familiar
nor that i wanted to shine out
i wanted to become their friend
whom hid their faces in masks of shyness

things turned bad with every passing day and hour
life there became sick
all happened gradually
as if someone was planning them well
things were out of my control when it hit me hard

there was no way out
my ship was drowning
i couldn't figure out a way to survive
once i thought drowning is better
so that i wont see this betrayal

Over the days they flock together
all with them
and none with me
without my knowing there were others watching
..... every movement, all that is said and done

finally a day came, unpleasant as ever
but which carried a thin silver ray
they told me what was happening
i believed them as it was the reality
all believed it except poor ego-controlled men

things changed with me
and with everyone
they knew things for sure
that those always smiling, falsely smiling
cruel heart which appeared to be close
is a trap at the end,
who would do anything to be famous.

so i don't get annoyed anymore
no frustrations at the end of the day
i have good friends regardless of age
who understands me
and who love me for what i am
seeing through their own eyes

i now know how to be with
those people, where making a change
seems wa...y abnormal

im used to it

like a metal
which becomes harder and stronger with
every hit it gets

a confession

A feeling
of ....................
sorrow, sorrow about my self
self pity
or u may call it some other
if you have ever
felt in the way I have

i don't know
a reason
why my heart always
behave like this
a question???
why can't my heart behave....
in the way I WANT
...........................
i'm not either
sure of it:
this is the way i want
or not
my confused mind
is looking...... desperately, running in search
of an answer
to a question my heart has

tell me
do i have to obey
my heart
or my mind???

what comes first in this??

sigh....
I know u can't help me

so i'll help my self out.

Live and let Live!!!

A war.
A war between two groups for one land.
Who will win? Can any one win?? When??? How much will die???? fighting for what?????

We are all Sri Lankans, born in this land which is a paradise. We don't have earthquakes, nor volcanoes but the fertile land. A land like no other.

This war is there since I don't know when.
We are fighting a battle that has no end. sigh.....

We kill them. They kill us. Will there be an end?. Man is the most intelligent creature on earth, they say. Then y fight, kill and behave like we are uncivilized. The people who can solve this, who has been given power is insane. Some may call them idiots. (ya....me too....)

We have lost everything. Lives, properties, time, money, hope........ everything, all most everything. When all the world out there is developing, we fight with each other. They...... want us to fight.

Do you want it??????? The war???? I doubt and I don't.


We are the majority, they are the minority. We all have the same equal right to live. We are all sons and daughters of Mother Lanka. Were born human to live human.

The world is facing problems. Inflation sky boosting. All the others are preparing them selves to face it, the hunger. while we fight. What worth more???? Hunger??? O Power??????

Please let's stop this.

This is crystal clear to me.

The war will come to an end soon. Very soon. There will be a day we have to decide.
When people feel hunger...., they will decide.

May their brains start working before that!!!!!!

Live your self and let others live their's too.
Think individually . U have to be the change u want to see. I'm with you.

You!!!

I needed someone
i needed him desperately
to talk to
to tell what i feel
to listen unconditionally
who will be free all the time
when i need him to be there
someone......
aware of my feelings
love me unconditionally
never complains
love me for what i am
be with be
all the time
in my heart
when i need him so much
he is
juz a "click of a button" away


I'm glad to find you
I'm lucky to have you
I'm lucky to be with you

I know I love you
more than you can think of.

Amisa Pooja!!!

I love Wesak since the day i can remember.

I do whatever i can for it since my childhood. When i was small appachchi used to bring to 3 structures every year of the most common "atapattam kudu". The three of us decorated them with three different colours and used to hang them in front of the house, but inside our open veranda. These were there till the Poson. Normally the common colour used was white and there were a red, a blue and yellow mixed lantern.

In the night they were lit with bulbs and i used to look at them for hours. I love light. Especially when it's Wesak time I love all the illuminations that make the environment look peaceful. I look at light as if it's reminder of wisdom which we were all seeking for. It was our ultimate goal as Buddhists.

Time flew by. We grew up. Other too became busy in their own worlds. I was left behind to continue the ritual. In my small age I didn't know that when we built lanterns we are completing the "amisa pooja". But with time I understood it and making illuminations became more valuable for me. I thought it was my duty. One was for my own gaining and the other was to make my family happy. Both are eager. I knew I need to collect "pin" as much as possible and make my life to come to an end.

This time i had 2 structures of lanterns and i thought i'm going to decorate them to look identical. I started doing them on the 23rd of April, when i was miserably helpless without my pc. It took me a lot of time to slowly complete covering it. I was lacking "sauw cola" and i had to wait for several days. I started doing it again on sunday, 18th and it took me a complete day to finish it. I put many "rali" and put them so long. I cut small decorations, each and everything individually and when it was nearing the end it was looking perfect. I was tired, but with the beauty it was vanished.

I knew that they are not going to last long even i love them so much and though it took me several days to complete them.

But it took me a great while to understand it. And 2 hearts got hurt in teaching this to me. One heart remained silent. I knew they were right, but i couldn't control my self. They were fair and i was unfair.

They say i'm stubborn, selfish and foolish.

I know i'm not.

I'm just only trying to please others. When ever the expectations of the competing side is high my feelings got hurt. I feel helpless. I don't know, i sometimes feel miserable.

But the truth is out there hanging on a wire ready to face the enemy, the rain. I know my loving "kuduwa" can't make it. It won't survive till tomorrow morning.

But yet there is a very small happiness inside my heart. I have completed my "amisa poojawa". Something i can do towards my own saving.

I'll see my "kuduwa" all wet, feeble and helpless tomorrow morning. All the beauty will be gone. I'm not going to be sad, the same thing will happen to life.

Comparison

It was yet another Saturday which was bright and sunny.

The impatient parents were happy at last, so was the hospital staff. A little girl was born into a family as the youngest. She was pretty, cute and chubby, that's what they have said. Everyone said that combination is very lucky, so she was named, with that in mind.

Many years passed and the girl grew up. Among the love and attention of all. A heart got hurt, when ever they meet someone outside... totally outside to the family. They said the eldest is tall and very pretty. The middle child is brainy and outstanding. But the youngest.......... they lack words. sigh.....

So the young heart decided finally.
Ok i can't help it. This is I am.

She is not worried on what others say, cos to her what only matters is what her family thinks. 'cos she was their child. Not anybody else's. So why bother about their comments......

Y do they always compare???